Coming to terms with the fact that your loved one will soon be leaving you, may not be something you have prepared for. There is so much to deal with, and the uncertainties can be overwhelming. Your loved one’s final moments can last between days and months. Even with this uncertainty, embracing it allows you to cherish the time you have left now with your loved one. Get the support you need from the healthcare team, your family members and friends, as you walk down this bittersweet path to honour not only your loved one’s needs and wishes but also your own.
The conversation on death
Dying is not only a deeply personal journey, but also a heavy-hearted experience for the family. Talking to your loved one about his/her death can be made harder if your family perceives it as a taboo topic. But, it is important to have this conversation.
Nothing is more definite than the fact that every living thing shall face death when the time comes. Talking about it can help you and your loved one better address the worries and fears related to the final days of our lives. How to talk about dying? There is no correct answer to this, but there are ways to make it easier.
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Choose a good moment
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Choose a time when you and your loved one are not in a rush. It helps if your loved one wants to talk about the future, for example, after learning about a diagnosis or treatment plan. A good time can also be when you encounter a death scene when watching a TV drama series. |
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Start with a question
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You could ask, “Have you ever thought about what will happen when we die?” or “If this is your last meal in your life, what would you like to eat, and with whom?” Use these conversation cards from Singapore Hospice Council for more ideas. |
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Go slow
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Be patient and let them take their time. You don’t have to cover everything in one seating. |
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Help your loved one feel comfortable
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If your loved one finds talking about this difficult, try reassuring them by saying, “I know talking about this is not easy.” Or “I know we have not talked about this before, and it might be hard.” Let your loved one share as much or as little as they wish. |
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Be honest
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Be open about how you feel – you might laugh or cry. Both are totally normal. You can listen and ask more questions to clarify your understanding. |
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Try out the conversation
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You may wish to find a close friend to practise talking about this topic, before bringing it up with your family. |
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Write a letter or message instead
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Talking is not the only option. You could explain what you want to say through a message. You could even give the letter together with a gift to share your feelings of appreciation and love. |
Planning ahead
Conversations about death and dying are also about living well and knowing what matters to your loved one. Planning will help you take into consideration the preferences of your loved one and to better decide their care arrangement when they no longer can do so. Here’s what you can do:
- Involve your loved one: so you get to know his/her values & care preferences
- Be open & honest: so your family members are aware of final care arrangements & can share responsibilities
- Keep other family members & friends informed: about your loved one’s condition and wishes
- Seek help: from the healthcare team for referral to social worker or counsellor if it’s difficult to gather your family
Learn more about how to involve your family in your loved one’s care and what to do legacy planning here.
Palliative and end-of-life care
Palliative care is a holistic approach that addresses the physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs of individuals facing serious illnesses, regardless of their stage in the disease process. It can be provided alongside treatments, with the aim of enhancing one’s quality of life and alleviate symptoms, including pain.
Palliative care is often recommended for someone who is undergoing their end of life as a serious illness progresses. As a caregiver, it’s important to:
- have open discussions with the doctor about palliative care options that can complement ongoing treatments for your loved one or when the treatments may not be preferred by your loved one.
- understand more about palliative care from organisations such as Singapore Hospice Council.
- consider enrolling for caregiver training courses to better manage the needs of your loved one.
Anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief refers to the emotional experience that individuals may face when grieving the loss of their loved one who is still alive. This type of grief includes both the present feelings and the future implications of the impending loss. To support caregivers in navigating this challenging phase, you can find out more from “Grief Before Loss” guidebook, which offers valuable insights and ways to help build your resilience and maintain balance.
